(BIRD CAWS)
GIRL: So you weren't kidding when you said we were going fishing, huh?
That's what I said, darn it!
Look, this is boring. Let's go swimming or something.
It's cold. Besides, we passed a sewer outlet on the way here.
Please! They don't dump the sewers in this lake!
- They get the water from it. - Whoa! Hey!
There's something slimy down there. I don't like it.
Oh, you're trying to scare me.
- Hey! - Oh! Wayne?
Come on, Wayne.
Cut it out. You're crazy.
(SIGHS) Wayne... Wayne?
Wayne, you're making me nervous. Come on.
Will you just stop kidding around?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
If you don't stop, I'm just gonna row away.
Come on, Wayne.
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
(BOYS SHOUT)
Move it, scumbag!
- (HORN HONKS) - You son of a bitch!
(DOG YELPS)
Son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, Case, come over here. Come here, Casey.
You're a good dog. You see that, Casey? Did you see that?
Them goddamn kids could've killed me, but they didn't. I survived.
Come on, we'll grab a couple of snorts,
and you'll cry on my shoulder, and I'll cry on yours.
Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.
Come on, come on.
(CASEY YELPS)
(CASEY WHINES)
Oh, oh, OK.
You want a swig, huh? You want a swig?
(CASEY WHIMPERS)
(SPITS)
(CASEY YELPS AND WHINES)
Come on in. What's the matter? You don't like my house?
It ain't good enough for you, huh?
(CASEY YELPS AND WHINES)
Oh, shut up, you goddamn mongrel!
(CASEY WHIMPERS)
"Eviction notice. Last warning."
You assholes.
(CASEY YELPS)
Ugh! (SPITS)
Shit! Ugh!
(GRUNTS)
No, no! No! Get off! Not at me! No!
WOMAN: Hey, don't spill any, buddy.
(WOMAN CHUCKLES)
- Just in time. - WAITER: I'm very sorry, ma'am.
- Your beer, sir. - Thank you.
- Mmm. - Come on, Maureen.
Slow up a little, eh?
Excuse me for trying to have a good time.
- You wanna dance? - Uh-uh.
What about you, Mike? Wanna boogie?
Oh, no thanks, Maureen. I'm not much of a dancer.
- That's for sure. - MAUREEN: Terrific!
Another fun-filled night in Ashton. Hmm!
The armpit of America and centre of boredom for planet Earth, right, honey?
- I think we better go. - You know, I think you're right.
I've got to see Sheriff Reese in the morning at Ron Bell's house.
- See you all. - Bye.
- See you, Mike. Bye, Kim. - Good night.
- Mike! - Hey, Don! How are you?
I'm fine. You guys aren't leaving, are you?
Yeah, I've got an early appointment first thing in the morning.
Oh, Don, this is my wife, Kim. Kim, Don.
- How do you do, Kim? - Nice to meet you.
- And this is my wife, Maria. - Hello.
Hi, Maria. Nice to see you. Uh, Don's our county sanitation supervisor.
Uh-huh.
Which is just a college-educated way of saying that I crawl round in sewers,
and that I get paid about a quarter of what I made as a plumber.
Good to meet you.
Funny, but you don't look anything like the Wicked Bitch of the North to me.
What?
I'm Rick and Danny's mother.
Oh! Oh, oh. They're in my junior and senior classes.
They don't like my homework.
- You're sure I can't buy you a drink? - Oh, no. No thanks.
- We'll see you all later. - Good night. Nice to see you.
- Bye. - Nice to meet you. Bye-bye.
- KIM: Michael? - Yeah?
Do you think Maureen's attractive?
She drinks too much.
That's not what I mean.
(CHUCKLES)
Do you like?
Yeah. Very much.
Mmm. Also, don't forget I'm known as the Wicked Bitch of the North.
(CHUCKLES) I won't forget.
- So, Teacher... - Mmm...
What do you say we start our homework?
(BOTH MOAN)
(CHURCH BELLS RING)
Mary Anne, I can't just drop everything here, and come home to kill a few snails.
Snails, slugs. What the hell's the difference? Baby, I'll see you tonight.
- Morning, Mr Brady. - Good morning, Dobbs.
REESE: You're late, Brady.
Uh, go right in.
Give me a break, Sheriff. It's two minutes after eight.
That's right, son. After eight. Our appointment was for eight o'clock.
I got a lot more important things to do than spend my time evicting drunks.
Great. I get your point.
Let's take my car.
Sheriff, you don't mind if I smoke, do you?
I sure as hell do, Brady.
You can muck up your own lungs, but don't mess with mine, goddamnit.
- Today's your lucky day, Brady. - Oh, really? Why's that?
Littering's a $500 fine in this state. Don't let me catch you doing it again.
Sheriff, you know what they found in those candies you're eating?
- Rat shit and maggots' eggs. - (SPITS)
Oh, but Sheriff, littering! It's a $500 fine.
Son of a bitch.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
MIKE: It doesn't even look like anyone lives here.
REESE: We'll see about that.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO)
MIKE: There's an open window.
Whew. Look at all this shit.
Man, what stinks like that?
Oh, my God.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO)
(CASEY YELPS AND WHIMPERS)
(YELPS AND WHINES)
Saw nothing like it before. Not even in 'Nam.
Something ate the sucker's eyes right out.
Not only that, the coroner said his liver, kidneys and heart are all gone, too.
- Dobbs, get out of my sight! - Huh?
I said get lost! Damn it!
Sheriff... I'm gonna go back in there.
OK, but don't touch anything.
(SWITCH CLICKS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS)
(SIREN WAILS)
So, Sheriff, what do you think?
I don't know. Wild dogs maybe. Racoons driven out of the hills by the cold.
I don't buy that.
Something that big would've done a lot more damage to the inside of the house.
What's your bright idea, Mr Health Inspector?
Oh, rats maybe.
Rats? You willing to go on record with that?
How can I do that? I'm not sure that it's rats.
Well, there's finally something you're not sure of. Fancy that!
(SIREN WAILS)
Excuse me, Mr Brady. Sorry, but it's that woman on the phone again for you.
- What woman? - Florence Fortune. Called four times.
What does she want?
Something about the sewers being backed up.
Oh, Jesus! Now since when are the goddamn sewers my business?
Tell her to... to call the Sanitation Department.
Those guys get paid just like we do.
I'm not an idiot, Mr Brady. I've already told her that, but she won't listen.
All right, I'm sorry. Put her on the phone.
(SIGHS)
Yeah. Yes, it's Mike Brady.
Yes, ma'am.
No, ma'am.
Why don't you just give me your address then, OK?
- She called the Health Department, too? - You got it?
- Come on. I'll show you how to do this. - Great.
- MAN: It's gonna be a piece of cake. - Oh, yeah.
- Hi, ma'am... - You took your sweet time!
- Hi, Mike Brady. I'd... - I don't care who you are.
I want something done about that smell.
I'm not on welfare. I pay my taxes.
Do you suppose we could start at the beginning?
We can start anywhere you want, young man.
As long as we end up getting results!
WOMAN 2: Didn't you hear about it? It was awful.
Whatever got him ate his eyes right out of his head.
Or what used to be his head. His face was all bloody...
For God sakes, Madge, that's enough. I don't wanna hear any more.
So, we're done. Are you going off to the moon or going down in the sewer?
You'd be... You'd be surprised at the similarities.
There's more methane down there than there is on some of the planets.
Mmm. That's why you got on the cute mask, huh?
That's one of the reasons.
I've got another suit in the truck if you wanna come down with me.
Oh, no thanks. I'm not big on the tight spaces.
Ah, well, I guess that's why they pay me the big bucks.
I guess so.
(TOOLS CLANKING)
(WATER RUNS)
(SWITCH CLICKS)
And what exactly do you do, hmm?
Right, any thoughts on how Romeo and Juliet might've solved their problems?
Pam.
Well, I think they should've talked to their parents about it, you know.
Like, if they would have been honest with their feelings,
maybe their parents would have understood.
- Fat chance. - You have something to add, Donna?
Oh, no, Mrs Brady.
Well... parents never seem to listen to their kids,
unless it's when we're agreeing with something they've just said.
- (BELL RINGS) - Hold on. Not so fast.
I want Act Ill read by tomorrow, and be prepared for a ten-minute quiz.
The Wicked Bitch strikes again.
(CHATTERING)
- Hi, beautiful. How are you? - Hi, honey.
- All right. - Where's for lunch?
Well, I had one hell of a morning, and I'm not too hungry.
Besides, I've gotta check these new houses after we eat.
Oh, I heard about Ron Bell. Do you wanna talk about it?
Not if you wanna enjoy your lunch, I don't.
# You're with me every single day and every night
# I dream of when you're gone... #
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- I got a C. - You got a C? I got a D.
Those kids hanging around here.
I'm telling you guys. Are you listening? Something evil got that old wino.
It was the goat killer, I'm telling you.
Don't start that goat killer shit again.
It's not shit. He really exists.
- Who exists? - The goat killer.
He comes down from the hills at night, kills people and then he eats them.
Oh, that's gross!
You're on drugs, girl, I swear.
Either that, or you need professional help.
Laugh if you want, but he's real, and he got Ron Bell last night.
- He got Ron Bell last night. - I'm hungry, babe. Get me a burger.
- Will you get me a burger too? - You wanna a goat burger, babe?
So what's on for tomorrow night?
Some kids are going to a Halloween party.
A Halloween party? I'm not going. I don't like those wild parties.
- Count me in. Do you wanna go? - Sure. Why not?
What about the midterm on Monday? Mrs Brady's? Did you forget?
So? You gonna let that wicked bitch spoil all your fun? Come on!
Well, we'll see.
Oh, I love the way you commit yourself to things, Pam!
RADIO: 'Good afternoon. It's a bright sunny day here in downtown Ashton.
'The birds are singing. The sky's blue...'
- Harold... - What?
I would just like to know what are these.
Slugs' eggs.
- What? - Slugs.
I don't care what they are. Just get rid of them.
And all the plants on the porch are the same.
Please take care of them.
Get off my back.
I can't stand to look at them another second! Hmm!
Oh, boy.
Come on, Harold.
(EXHALES)
(TV BLARES)
(MUSIC ON RADIO)
...never leave you alone. Women!
There.
Gets more like her mother every day.
(FLY BUZZES)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS) Something's biting my hand!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(YELLS) Jean!
- (MUSIC BLASTS) - (HUMS)
(GRUNTS)
(HISSES)
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS OVER MUSIC)
(COUGHS) Jean!
Jean!
RADIO: 'And now over to the stadium for today's big game,
'the Ashton Lions versus the...'
(CHANNEL SWITCHES)
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(COUGHS)
Jean!
(YELLS) Jean!
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
- (GRUNTS) - (SCREAMS)
Harold! No!
(HAROLD YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
- MIKE: How are you? - Fine.
(KIM CHUCKLES)
Did you hear about Harold and Jean Morris?
No. Why?
- They're dead. - (CHUCKLES) Oh, come on now.
Yeah, I heard it on the news.
There was some kind of an explosion in their greenhouse.
They were both inside.
Wait a second. How did this happen?
Nobody knows.
Oh, Jesus.
They were nice people. I... I mean, I liked them a lot.
I know. I did too.
- So what are you doing out here? - Working in the garden.
- Oh, I see! Now you call this a garden. - Well...
- What's wrong? - You see these slime trails everywhere?
Those new houses I was checking out this afternoon were just full of 'em.
Slime trails. Oh, I saw the biggest slug in the world before you got home.
MIKE: Jesus Christ! Those things are big!
- I told you they were big. - Big? They're gigantic.
Ah! Damn thing bit me!
What kind of a slug bites someone?
I don't know, but he's living in your garden.
Go get something with a lid on it. Hurry up! Quick!
Think your English friend is still in his lab?
- Yeah... - All right, I'm going.
No, wait!
(HORN HONKS)
Oh, shoot!
(GRUNTS)
(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)
- Hey. - Hey yourself.
What's for dinner?
I thought we'd eat light tonight. Just a big healthy salad.
I was kind of looking forward to a steak.
Hmm... We've been eating too much red meat lately.
I've got to keep up my strength.
Before you go any further,
you better decide if you want your dessert before or after the main course.
I was kind of hoping for some wild hors d'oeuvres.
- (MAUREEN CHUCKLES) - Mmm.
- Got your keys, right? - Yeah.
OK. Good. Let's go. Come on.
- John... - Kim, Mike.
What are you two doing here, eh?
We're sorry to bother you, John, but, um...
John, I wanna ask you some questions about these.
What's this?
MIKE: What is that stuff, anyway?
It's like mucus, you see.
Only the slugs use it as an irritant for its natural predators.
It is also the way the buggers get around. They travel on it.
It's like a... like a slimy carpet.
I read somewhere that you can actually put a snail or slug
on the edge of a razor blade,
and it can crawl right across it without ever touching the metal.
- Fascinating, isn't it? - Yeah, it's terrific. How does it eat?
It has three or four rows of teeth that it uses to grind up its food.
- Which is? - Greens mainly.
Lettuce, cabbage. Things like that.
Anything that grows in the garden is a feast for them.
- That's why gardeners hate them so much. - John, do these things ever eat meat?
- I beg your pardon? - Well, you know, like, meat, animals?
But they're usually only as big as your thumb, Mike.
However, there are some species, which do eat tiny worms and insects.
Why do you ask?
John, let's say I'll call you in the morning, OK?
- All right. Make it after lunch, OK? - Thanks.
Mmm-hmm.
It's getting late.
- (GROANS) - What is it? What's wrong?
(SIGHS) Just a cramp.
It's gone.
Um, David, I'm sorry for being a bitch so much of the time.
You're not a bitch.
I think the real problem is...
My drinking. I know.
It's getting the upper hand on me.
Maybe I should see someone about it.
You mean it?
- I can't risk losing you. - Mmm.
- (GROANS) - David, what is it?
Another cramp.
- I'm calling the doctor. - No!
I'm all right. Really. It's past.
Oh... But I've got this strange taste in my mouth.
Maybe it was the anchovies that I put in the salad.
Maybe. The salad did taste a little salty.
I'm sorry.
Not your fault. Usually I love 'em.
Why don't you just go on upstairs, and get into bed?
Soon. I've got to go over these papers one last time.
I meet with the people from Calgore tomorrow.
If all goes well, we'll clinch the shopping deal over lunch.
Knowing you, it'll go terrific.
Hmm. Give me 20 minutes, and I'll be up.
You got a deal. I'll go take my bath.
(GROANS)
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
Come on. Move it, you old farts.
(ENGINE STARTS)
I didn't think your folks were ever gonna leave.
- Oh, God, you're good. - Jesus!
What a stash!
Captain Jack. Hello, Captain.
(DONNA SIGHS)
- Do you want some? - No, I don't.
- Bobby, don't drink. - Relax! I just want a little bit.
I wonder what your old man would say if he knew about us.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, he'd probably have a cow.
Yeah, with pink spots.
Are you sure you don't want one?
Oh, Bobby... you know what I want.
(SQUEALS)
(SQUEAKS)
(SQUEALING)
(SQUEALING STOPS)
DONNA: Oh, Bobby! Don't stop!
Don't stop!
(DONNA GASPS)
(DONNA PANTS)
Oh, Bobby, what's wrong?
Nothing. I just have to recharge my batteries.
What are you doing?
Nothing, goddamnit! I just said I need a fucking rest!
- Fuck! Something bit me! - (SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
BOBBY: Donna!
Fuck!
(DONNA SCREAMS)
- Donna! - (SOBS)
Donna! Fuck!
- Donna! - (YELLS AND SOBS)
No!
(SCREAMS) Bobby!
Fuck!
(SOBS)
Bobby!
BOBBY: No, no, no!
Bobby! Bobby!
(SCREAMS) Bobby!
(BOTH SCREAM)
('ECHOING SCREAMS')
Mike, someone on the phone from the office. How'd that work?
They think this stuff is candy.
Why don't you try salt?
Hey, no, really, that's a good idea. I'm serious. Good.
Oh, come on!
(GROANS)
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO)
Hey, what's up? The Sheriff inside?
Yes, he's upstairs.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Pictures of everything. Understand? - Sure, Sheriff.
Don't "sure, Sheriff" me, unless you know you're sure.
I'm sure that I'm sure, Sheriff.
You better be, Dobbs, or I'll shove my boot so far up your butt,
you'll need a tow truck to get it out.
- Morning, Sheriff. - Who let you in here?
Oh, it's nice to see you too!
You ain't allowed here. What do you want?
Look, Sheriff, I know it sounds crazier than hell, but I got this theory.
Now, maybe, just maybe we're dealing with a... a mutant form of slug here.
A kind that eats meat.
Huh! That don't sound crazy, Brady, that is crazy!
Killer slugs? For Christ's sakes!
What'll it be next? Demented crickets? Rampaging mosquitos maybe?
All right, all right, all right!
So, you explain the... the slimy shit on the floor and the dead bodies.
I will, I will. And let me just do my job, and get out of here.
Yeah, do that.
What are you staring at, goddamnit? You got nothing better to do than stare at me?
Hi, Julie. Any messages for me?
Don Palmer over at Sanitation called twice. Says it's very important.
OK. Did a guy named John Foley call?
No, sir.
All right, would you get Palmer on the phone for me, please?
- Julie? - Yeah?
Hi! Would you get Palmer on the phone for me?
Sure. Right away. You don't have to bite my head off.
I don't bite your head off.
PHONE: 'Yeah, Mike Brady.'
I got some stuff that you're gonna be interested in.
- What kind of things? - 'Not over the phone.'
How soon can you get here?
- Jesus, Don! We're not the CIA! - Half an hour?
- Don, look, I'm... - 'Mike...'
Listen, my people have been down in the sewers,
and they have found half-eaten rats and chickens and cats and even a large dog.
OK, Don, I'm on my way.
- Feeling any better? - Yeah, a little.
Maybe you should postpone your meeting.
No can do. The clients are coming up here just for this meeting.
They'll have to sign today. They're leaving after lunch.
DON: This is the entire sewer map of the Ashton area.
Now, this gigantic reservoir takes all the waste from this area
down to Baker's Corner.
Right here is where the Sanitation Department has its waste disposal plant.
MIKE: Yeah.
DON: My men were finding dead animal remains here,
but we've been finding them here too.
Don, I still don't know what you're driving at.
First it was Ron Bell. Then it was Talbot and the Moss girl.
- The Moss' house is right here. - Yeah.
Something's down there killing people.
- (SCOFFS) - And there's more you got to know.
Yeah, like what?
When I was researching these maps, I discovered that in the '50s and '60s
that this entire area, from the edge of Ron Bell's property line
to the town limits, was a toxic waste dump.
Every plastic and chemical plant in the area dumped into it.
Then about 20 years ago they filled it in.
You know, Don Palmer, you're a fountain of good news.
I'll take mine rare.
- Here you are. - Sir, would you like an hors d'oeuvre?
- Thank you. - No, I'm not very hungry.
- Whiskey? - That's mine. Thank you.
Thank you.
- Anything wrong, Dave? - No, no. I'm fine.
I just have a blasted headache that won't go away. Phew.
Maybe we should postpone until you're better.
Not a chance.
You're not getting out of town until we've all signed on the dotted line.
Cheers, Dave.
(GROANS)
I'll be back in a minute.
(GROANS)
- Feel better? - Yeah, the aspirins are finally working.
- Good, good. Drink up, then. - Excuse me.
Mmm. Shall we tell him now, or wait until the cheque comes?
There we are.
Might as well tell him now.
Who knows? It just might clear up his headache once and for all.
And yours.
We've decided to go full steam ahead with the project.
- Mmm-hmm. - That's terrific! Great!
You know you'll never regret it.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Uh, to the beginning of all the great things yet to come.
Cheers.
(GROANS)
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
(YELLS)
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMS)
This is it. This is where they've filled it in.
It's the exact centre of where they plan to put that shopping centre.
Oh, my God.
See where it is in relationship to Ron Bell's house?
Yeah, so?
There's a possibility that the bulldozer broke through the landfill.
Who knows what poisonous gases escaped?
Jesus, Don, you could be right.
(PHONE RINGS)
Yeah, Sanitation Department.
Um, excuse me. Just a minute, please.
It's for you. It's your office.
Yes, Julie, it's Mike.
JULIE: 'Your wife called.'
Oh, and Sheriff Reese called. He said to get over to Trombino's right away.
Mr Brady, the Sheriff's waiting for you inside.
Uh, I'll check with the guys in white.
You crazy? We got no worms here.
- We got worms here? - Worms?
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
His mum has more worms... (SPEAKS ITALIAN)
- What's he saying? - He says we got no worms here.
He wants worms... (SPEAKS ITALIAN)
I give him... (SPEAKS ITALIAN) right up in his...
Relax, relax.
The worms that killed that boy didn't just roller-skate here and jump on his plate.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
About time. I'm doing your job for you.
This is a matter for the Health Department.
We found these on the plate. My guess is they came from the food.
I got no worms in my food. I got no worms here!
Sure, sure. Well?
Well, what? Who died?
I thought you knew. A friend of yours. Dave Watson.
- What? - Well, do I close this place, or what?
- I don't know that yet. - Tell me if they came from the food.
How should I know? Maybe they did, maybe they didn't.
Why don't you just give me five minutes, and I'll figure it out?
Terrific! That's wonderful!
Mike, what did you find in there?
I don't know. Maybe some kind of food poisoning.
Food poisoning? Mike, I was in there. I saw that guy.
His face was eaten away. His eyes were popping out.
- I'm not an expert... - That's right.
We'll take it over to Foley, and see what he has to say about it.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO)
FOLEY: Good God.
Where'd you get these?
(CHUCKLES) Come on, John. You wanna tell me what's going on?
"The schistosomes are blood flukes,
"a particularly virulent strain of parasite
"found in the blood streams of... of slugs."
Now tell me where you got them.
Well, they came from... Dave Watson's head.
Oh, God.
There's no end to his thing.
What do you mean?
First, they are carnivorous. No doubt about that.
Their slime produces an irritant,
that given in large enough doses, kills.
After paralysing. And now this...
Parasites natural to them can be transmitted and are lethal to humans.
On top of that, slugs are hermaphrodites.
DON: Hermaphro-what?
Hermaphroditic. Which means they can fertilise their own eggs.
Speaking of which, where do they breed?
Well, anywhere it is dark and moist. They're primarily night creatures.
How about a sewer?
Well... Well, as a breeding ground...
Yes, it would be perfect.
(DOG WHINES)
(DOG BARKS)
- Thank God! I've been trying to find you! - What's wrong?
Call Mrs Brady. She's called three times. She's scared to death.
(RINGS)
Hello? (SIGHS)
Oh, Michael, where have you been?
- What's wrong? - Please come home. Hurry.
(TYRES SCREECH)
- Kim? What is it? - (SOBS)
What is it?
Be careful!
- What is it? What are you talking about? - There.
MIKE: Oh, my God.
KIM: Be careful.
- Michael, who are you calling? - Sheriff Reese.
He damn well better talk to me now.
Dobbs, it's Mike. Put Sherriff Reese on the phone.
He ain't here. He's out at Ashton Farms. We got us another dead body over there.
- You what? - 'Amazing, ain't it?'
The most exciting thing we had around here was a Saturday-night drunk
getting naked and running down main street.
Now we got a new dead body showing up every ten minutes.
Look, now, listen to me, Dobbs.
You tell that fast bastard
to get his ass over to Frank Phillips' office immediately.
You got that?
Look, I have to go now. I'll be back as soon as I can.
Michael, I think I'm losing my mind.
Just hang in there. You'll be fine.
How? How am I gonna do that?
Tell Mr Phillips that Mike Brady is here to see him.
- Hey, his office is closed. - Yeah, watch me.
You can't go in there.
- What the hell are you doing here? - We have an emergency on our hands.
Should I call the police, Mr Phillips?
That won't be necessary, Miss Wiley. Thank you. What is this, Brady?
I want you to cut off the water in the south-end section of town immediately.
Is this your idea of a joke, huh?
No, it's not my idea of a joke.
Now, the water in that section of town has been contaminated
by a mutated form of slug.
If we don't shut the system down, and I mean now,
we risk contaminating the entire city.
Hold on. Mutated slugs? Contaminated water system?
What the hell are you talking about?
Phillips, listen to me. We're facing a disaster here.
(SIGHS) You need a long vacation, pal.
This is no time to argue.
Who's arguing? I'm telling you you're nuts.
We'll declare a health emergency. I'll take full responsibility.
You ain't got the authority to declare "happy birthday"! Not in this town!
Oh, you crazy son of a bitch! What's it gonna take?
For starters, a request from the mayor.
Then my concurrence!
Now, get your ass out of here!
Mutated slugs...
Crazy asshole.
- Everything OK? - Yeah.
Then can I go to lunch?
OK, go.
(FLAPPING)
Everything Mr Watson promised Calgore Corporated will remain.
That's the way Mr Watson did his business, and the kind of man he was.
He'll be greatly missed.
God, you never saw anything like what happened in that restaurant.
- Oh, put it out of your mind, Sue. - How? His whole face was...
Uh, can I freshen your drinks?
I sure hope things like that don't happen around here again.
Huh, what? Uh, M-Miss Channing, I assure you...
- Forget it. - Sue, I think it's time we got going.
Well, of course. I only thought you people were prepared to sign the papers.
Why not? We might as well... do it.
- Yes? - Sorry, Mr Mayor.
Mike Brady of the Health Department is here. He says it's an emergency.
Tell him it'll have to wait. I'm in the middle of an important conver...
Sorry, Mr Mayor, but what I have to say can't wait.
We have a potential disaster on our hands.
Potential disaster?
Uh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Uh, excuse me. I won't be a minute.
Who the hell do you think you are to burst in here like this?
Look, you've got to call Frank Phillips. Tell him to shut down the water system.
- What? - We have slugs in our water.
We've got to contain them to the sewers, or we don't stand a chance.
Look, I know it sounds crazy,
but you're gonna have to listen to me and trust me.
What happened to Ron Bell, Donna Moss and Dave Watson are all related,
and it's only the beginning.
Sure, Mr Brady, sure. Anything you say.
Look, goddamnit, don't patronise me. I'm not insane.
- Insane? I never said that you were! - (PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS)
Look, put down the phone.
Are you gonna start listening to me?
Sorry to interrupt, but we have a plane to catch.
- Are you from Calgore? - Yes, I am.
Get Sheriff Reese. I want him here now.
My name is Mike Brady, and I am the county health inspector,
and like I was trying to tell the mayor,
we have a very serious situation on our hands here.
Situation? What kind of situation?
This entire area used to be a toxic waste dump,
and not only that,
we have a mutant form of killer slug in our water system.
- A toxic waste dump? - Yes.
That's bullshit! This man's nuts. God knows what his game is.
My game is, like what you would call it, is to save lives.
You mean to tell me if I turn on the water tap,
a killer slug is gonna come out and get me?
(CHUCKLES)
Well... let's just see.
We have nothing to hide in this town.
Shall we finish signing the papers?
Absolutely.
Well, there's no time like the present.
- Sure. Let's get it done with. - OK.
You're not gonna sign this thing, are you?
Huh, now then, Mr Brady, if you don't mind,
let us get on with our business.
You people are unbelievable.
MAJOR: Thank you.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Mr Phillips?
I'm back.
(SQUELCHING)
Mr Phillips?
Are you OK there?
Mr Phillips?
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
Now, watch this.
- Well, what do you think? - It's fantastic, Foley.
- What is that stuff? - It's a lithium-based arsenic.
Lithium is highly combustible when it comes into contact with moisture.
Yeah, but can you make enough of that to kill thousands of slugs?
Well, making the stuff's no problem,
but to get all of them in one place at the same time,
that's quite something else.
Well, I'm convinced that their main nest is in the sewers
near Ron Bell's old house.
Now, the problem is, can we use this without blowing up the whole town?
Well, I hope so.
You know something? I think it's worth a try.
What do you say we meet at the Sanitation Department in three hours?
It's going to take me some time.
John, just be there.
All right. I'll be there.
Ready... set... huh!
(BOTH GRUNT)
Come on, Dad!
- Mike, what's up? - Uh, let's go inside, and I'll tell you.
Guys, we're gonna have to hang it up.
- We got to go anyway. - Go where?
- To a Halloween party. - What Halloween party?
- Some guys are getting together. - Just make sure...
ALL: To be home early.
- DON: What's up? - Uh, it's not great news.
Don?
- Oh, hi, Maria. Mike just stopped by. - Hi, Maria.
- Hi, Mike. Happy Halloween. - Same to you.
Want some coffee?
Uh, no. No thanks. We're gonna be in the den.
- So, what's up? - Well, Don, I...
- I need your help. - Sure.
I'm going down to the sewers after the slugs.
Oh...
Yeah, I spoke to this guy, Foley, and he found stuff that'll kill them.
What kind of stuff?
It's a chemical. It'll... make them explode.
- Explode? - Yeah.
It reacts to the moisture in their bodies.
Let me get this straight.
You wanna take something that explodes,
when it comes in contact with water, down into the sewer?
- Mmm-hmm. - You're crazy.
Don, we have no alternative.
I've been to the mayor, and I've been to the Sheriff,
and nobody wants to listen.
Now, these things are coming out of the water taps in my neighbourhood.
Right. You imagine if they spread to the entire system.
Let's get started, partner.
You don't want any more time to think about this?
I don't need to think about it.
I've got a wife and two kids too.
And I don't want what happened to Watson happening to one of them.
Good.
Um... I'm... I'm gonna go out for a while.
- You'll be long? - No, I don't think so.
Where are you going?
To tell you the God's honest truth,
Brady and I are gonna go and kill some man-eating slugs.
Oh, I trust these so-called killer slugs of yours
aren't 18 years old and speak French?
(CHUCKLES) No!
But I'll tell you what... when I do get back,
how about if we get naked and get crazy?
Hmm. I'll be here.
Kim?
Kim, are you here?
Kim?
- KIM: Mike? Where are you? - Kim, is that you?
- Kim! Oh, God! Am I glad to see you! - You too, honey.
- Where were you? - I was at Maureen's.
Oh, Michael, she's in terrible shape. Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't wanna scare you. Now, I want you to go to your mother's.
- Wait for me there. I'll be there soon. - I want you to go now!
Kim, this thing's turned into a total disaster.
Do as I say. Go to your mother's.
I don't want to be without you. Understand?
- Yes, I understand. - (SCREAMS)
MIKE: See? They're all over the place.
- Come on. Let's go. - (SOBS)
OK, now everything's gonna be OK. Just get your things. Let's go.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(ROCK MUSIC BLASTS)
I still can't believe Bobby's dead.
- Don't think about it. - It was that goddamn goat killer.
I'd like to get my hands on him.
What are you gonna do? Bore him to death?
OK, smartass, then you tell me what happened to Bobby and Donna.
- Keep quiet! I'm leaving. - Don't worry. He's upset about Bobby.
- You ready? - Depends on what you mean by "ready".
Well, we should have enough to do it.
I hope so, 'cause we're only getting one shot at this.
Is this, uh, my little suit?
There are miles of sewers down there. Those things could be anywhere.
Right. That's why we're gonna get 'em all in one place.
How are you gonna do that, invite them over for a hamburger?
Something like that. We're, uh, gonna give 'em a little bait.
I hope you don't mean what I think you mean.
No. I got something better than that.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(ROCK MUSIC BLASTS)
I told you I didn't want to come to this party.
Come on. It's a Halloween party. How can you not be having fun?
I feel awkward. I'm hardly dressed for this.
- You look fine. Have a couple of beers. - Have some pizza.
- I don't want any pizza! - Try it!
- Bug off! - Could we go?
Yeah. Punk!
(ROCK MUSIC BLASTS)
- Stop it, Danny! - I thought you liked me.
Well, of course I like you.
But liking you and letting you get into my panties is a different kind of thing!
I wish you wouldn't put it that way.
How would you like me to put it?
That we have something special.
You do like me, don't you?
Well, not that much.
I said no!
What's the use? All you wanna do is play mind games.
- Well, count me out! - Fine!
So what?
OK, guys, this is it.
Now, we can go underground right here.
And from everything I can put together,
I have to guess that their main body is right here.
Now, there's a manhole cover right above this chamber.
OK, John, you position yourself by the manhole.
You get ready to drop your stuff.
Any strays we see, we push into that chamber.
Now, when we're ready to get out, we'll signal you.
Mmm-hmm. Right.
- We're all set. Just one more thing. - What's that?
Once we're in the chamber, you give us two minutes to get out.
If we don't get out, you drop the stuff. Understand?
Yes.
(MUSIC BLASTS)
(PAM GRUNTS)
(PAM YELPS)
(PAM SOBS)
(GROANS)
(PAM GRUNTS AND GASPS)
(PAM GROANS)
DON: It's this way.
- I can't wait. - I know. It's gonna be so killer.
- Want a beer? - Nah.
- Where's Pam? - I told her to get lost.
- You what? - Yeah, she's a real bitch.
You're an asshole. Right down to steerage.
- Where are you going? - None of your goddamn business.
- (CHUCKLES) I can't believe that. - What's up with him?
DON: Son of a bitch.
They closed the entrance without marking it on the map.
MIKE: What do we do now?
DON: There's another way in from section G13,
but it's a long way around.
- No other way? - There's no other way.
Well, let's go then.
MIKE: Sure this is the way?
DON: Yeah, the entrance is right up ahead.
Pam! Pam!
Where are you, Pam?
Pam!
Pam! Pam!
DON: We're taking a right just up ahead.
MIKE: Just watch yourself.
- DON: Oh, my God! - What is it?
MIKE: Jeez, it's worse than I thought.
- DON: Come on. Let's get out of here. - No, no. I got an idea. Here. Hold this.
DON: Oh, shit.
You're not gonna light that blowtorch. You're crazy.
These sewage gases could be explosive.
MIKE: Don't worry. This section has plenty of ventilation.
I'm gonna electrocute the bastards.
We're gonna get fried. Come on! Let's go!
Come on!
Watch out for that pipe.
- DON: Goddamnit. - What?
DON: This shouldn't even be here. It isn't even on the map.
MIKE: Best I can figure were about underneath that... that old factory.
DON: What are we gonna do?
MIKE: There's nothing else we can do. We just have to go on.
Let me call Foley, and let him know we're on our way.
Foley, this is Brady. Come in.
Yeah, Mike. I'm here. I'm near the rendezvous. Everything OK?
We're just about at the entrance of the old factory.
- What? - Meet us at the sewer entrance
at the old factory in just a few minutes.
We'll be there as soon as we can.
Right. I'm on my way.
Over.
- DON: Are we out of here? - Yeah. Let's go.
MIKE: There's a million of 'em down here.
Come on, take out the torch, and use it now.
DON: Can't. There's enough methane down here to blow us all the way to Kentucky.
MIKE: Well, is there another way to go?
DON: Not that I know about.
Oh, man. It's getting real tight down there.
MIKE: How much farther?
DON: Not far.
MIKE: What is it? What's wrong, Palmer?
- DON: They're right up ahead. - Come on now, Palmer. Move it.
- DON: Maybe you didn't hear what I said. - I hear you. I said move!
Come on, Palmer! Go!
Quick! Get out of here!
Mike, do you read me?
I'm at the old factory now.
I'll open the manhole.
Over and out.
(GRUNTS)
DON: My God! This has got to be it! We're right underneath that old factory.
Foley... Foley, come in. This is Mike.
We've found their main breeding ground. Now, get all that stuff ready.
We're gonna try to find a way out of here.
Mike, come on! I've found a way! Will you drop that stuff? Come on!
Come on!
This is it.
MIKE: Yeah.
But how are we gonna get over there?
DON: The sack.
MIKE: You're right. The sack. I'll go get the meat.
I'll be right back.
This ought to distract them for a minute.
DON: Toss the whole thing in.
Whoa!
- MIKE: Now what are we gonna do? - We gotta go back that way.
MIKE: We can't go back. Look.
DON: Take this. I got an idea.
Mike, get on the phone and call Foley.
Tell him to pour that stuff down the manhole.
- We'll get out this way. - Foley...
Foley, it's Brady. Come in.
(DON YELLS)
Don!
Don, give me your hand. Don, do you hear me?
Help me!
Don, give me your hand!
(YELLS)
Don!
(GASPS) Don!
(GROANS)
(DON CHOKES)
Mike! Mike! Help me!
MIKE: Come on!
Mike, get out! Get out!
- Are you all right, Mike? - Do it, Foley!
- But Palmer... Where is he? - Do it!
Go on! Pour it in! Go on, Foley! Do it! Now!
(SIRENS WAIL)
(HORNS BLARE)
I'm sorry about your friend, Brady.
You... You can go to hell.
Mike... he knew the chances.
I could've kept him out of this.
No, I don't think you could. He knew that.
We could never have done it without him, Mike.
(SIRENS WAIL)
That's a small comfort now.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO)
- Mike! - Kim!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)